Analogies

I thought Kira would particularly enjoy this one. These are analogies and metaphors found in high school essays, taken from contest entries to the Washington Post, where teachers sent in their students' best inadvertently uproarious comparisons.

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its 2 other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
--Sue Lin Chong, Washington

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
--Chuck Smith, Woodbridge

He spoke with wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
-- Joseph Romm, Washington

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
-- Chuck Smith, Woodbridge

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
-- Russell Beland, Springfield

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
-- Unknown

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
-- Jack Bross, Chevy Chase

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
-- Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring

Long separated by cruel fate, star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
-- Jennifer Hart, Arlington

A politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
-- Wayne Goode, Madison, AL

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
-- Paul Kocak, Syracuse NY

John & Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
-- Russell Beland, Springfield

The thunder was ominous sounding, much like sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
-- Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria

The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
-- Unknown

He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
-- Brian Broadus, Charlottesville

Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
-- Sandra Hull, Arlington

The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the interview portion of "Jeopardy!"
-- Jean Sorensen, Herndon

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
-- Jerry Pannullo, Kensington

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
-- Malcolm Fleschner, Arlington

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
-- Malcolm Fleschner, Arlington

"Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.
-- Bonnie Speary Devore, Gaithersburg

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
-- John Kammer, Herndon

Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.
-- Barbara Collier, Garrett Park

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
-- Susan Reese, Arlington

It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before.
-- Marian Carlsson, Lexington

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
-- Jennifer Hart, Arlington

The revelation that his marriage of 30 yrs had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
-- Paul J. Kocak, Syracuse

The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.
-- Unknown

It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
-- Brian Broadus, Charlottesville

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
-- Susan Reese, Arlington

Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
-- Chuck Smith, Woodbridge

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
-- Brian Broadus, Charlottesville

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
-- Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
-- Brian Broadus, Charlottesville
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Big Halloween party this weekend! I can't wait! I told my 12-year-old son about the costume Paul and I were wearing. (See photo.) He said, "Umm...Mom, do you know what that seems like?" Apparently the double entendre is not lost on a 12-year-old boy!